Foiled plan...

I had it all figured out. Well, at least I thought I did. If you would have had the opportunity to hear my thoughts on Friday night, this is what you would have heard.

Wait a minute! You need some background info. I had weighed myself in the morning, and was excited that I had lost another pound. Yes! A "mountain top" experience. Sweet satisfaction that all my hard work had paid off. That put a smile on my face and a bounce in my step! But, I should have known. I should have been prepared. I should have been ready to fight. For you see, "the cycle" continued, like it always does. I didn't stay up on my mountain for very long. Unfortunately, it didn't take long for me to get distracted with success and take my eyes off the goal.

It was about 8:00pm. We'd eaten supper about 2 hours ago, but I was feeling a snacky mood coming on! My thoughts were running wild.

Flesh: Whine! Whine! Whine! I'm hungry. Feed me! Just something small......it doesn't have to be much. A handful of Cheerios? Raisins? Nuts? I'm not asking for anything bad like chips or chocolate. I just want something. You deserve it! You worked so hard this week. Come on! Sneak out into the mudroom...........that's right.........go for the Cheerios!

Spirit: Whoa! What do you think you're doing? You already ate your calorie allotment for the day, and you're not supposed to eat at night. You don't need it. Don't give in! Choose to walk out of the room right now!

Flesh: No! Come on. Eat the Cheerios. It's not going to effect anything. You're not going to mess up anything by just eating a little bit - but it will make you feel happy! *Bekah grabs a handful of Cheerios and munches* There you go. Hey! That's yummy! Eat some more. Yep. Pretty tasty aren't they? Told ya! *Bekah takes several more handfuls and continues to munch.

Spirit: Stop it, Bekah! HELLO??? This is totally giving into your flesh, and you know it. Walk away now! Read that verse you have posted right in front of you. It says to put to death your sinful nature - not pacify it. Get your hand out of the container!

Flesh: Mmm! Hey, I'm getting tired of Cheerios. Can we try something else? They aren't quite sweet enough. I want something sweeter. I mean, what's it going to hurt? How about those raisins? Yeah, those look good. Put your hand in the container.....that's right......SHHHH! Quiet! Do you want them to hear you? Yum. Those are tasty. Keep 'em coming!

Spirit: BEKAH!!! Think about what you're doing! Get out now.

And so, after eating several handfuls of Cheerios and raisins, I finally decided to stop. I wouldn't want my family to get suspicious about why I was hanging out in the pantry for so long. I thought I'd pacified my flesh and had convinced myself that I hadn't really done anything wrong. But, no. It only got worse...

Bethany had a nighttime snack of popcorn, and though I'm usually able to resist the temptation to sneak a few bites, I gave right in. While the eyes of my family members were looking away, I'd throw a few pieces in my mouth. I mean, I'd already had Cheerios and raisins. Why not popcorn, too? (Can you say "lie"?)

We decided to finish a movie we'd started several nights ago, so several of my family members decided to have a bowl of ice cream while watching it. Did the ice cream tempt me? It looked really good, but I wasn't seriously thinking about eating it. My family would definitely hold me accountable! :-)

But, I was making more plans. My flesh wasn't pacified-it was awakened! I spent several minutes thinking through my plan of action. Here's what I was thinking...

Flesh: Do you remember how good those snacks tasted? Well, I do. AND I WANT MORE!!! So, here's what we're going to do. You are going to stay up until most of your parents goes to bed, and then when the coast is clear, sneak into the pantry again. Hannah and Leah will likely go up to their room after the movie, and Rachel will jump into the shower. And then, we can eat whatever I want to! Nobody will be around to see or hear you. It's perfect. I'm such a genius!

I ignored the protests of the Spirit (which were really starting to bug me!) and decided to follow my flesh. Things went just like I'd (or shall I say, my flesh) planned. It was all working out well. My parents and younger sisters had gone upstairs. After all, it was 10:45pm. And I should have, too. But, no! I was just waiting for Rachel to jump in the shower so I could do some serious snacking. She was reading a book at the kitchen table (in the direct path to the pantry) so I sat down at the computer and tried to think of something I could work on that was a legitimate reason for staying up any later. I clicked around, reading various emails and blogs while waiting...and waiting...and waiting. Good grief! It's 11:00pm. What is she reading that is so interesting? I just want a few bites of something before bed.

Bekah. What are you doing, my child? Uh, Lord? Is that you? Yes, it's me. You don't need that food; it doesn't satisfy. Come to me! Be obedient to my Spirit and resist your sinful nature. But, Lord! It won't really matter. I just want a little something. I've been really good this week, you know... Do you want to be free, Bekah? Because you're not walking in freedom by giving in to temptation. Trust me. I've given you the strength to turn away. I paid my life's blood so that you can be free. Walk away! Go to bed! I am the only One who will truly satisfy.

I wish I could write that I immediately jumped out of my chair and walked upstairs. But, that's not how it happened. I sat there and struggled for another 5 minutes. Part of the time, I was upset at myself for even snacking in the first place. Then I was mad at Rachel for not getting into the shower! I felt guilty and ashamed for not walking in the Spirit. And my flesh was wanting more!

So, what did I do? By the grace of God, and ONLY by the grace of God, I slowly got out of the chair, said "goodnight" to Rachel, took a deep breath, and walked up the stairs to my room. Girls, my feet felt like lead. My flesh was screaming! I went in the room, shut the door, and began praying. I had a time of confession before the Lord and asked for His forgiveness and grace. Oh, when will I ever learn??? How many times have I done things like this before? I don't know that I'll ever be able to fully understand His grace. It's so amazing. And then, I just poured out my heart to Him. My thoughts and fears, lies I'd believed, words of praise and thanksgiving all came tumbling out at once. But, I think He understood. I know He did. I finally laid down in my bed, grateful to be lying there unashamed. I had been washed clean. My slate was clear. And, I was ready to get some rest before starting another day simply leaning on the strong arms of my Savior.

I really didn't want to post this, but I hope it encourages somebody. I'm not perfect; nobody is. I've made plenty of mistakes, and there have been many times when I didn't turn away, times when I followed through with "my plan". That's why I'm so thankful for the grace of God - grace to cover my sins and grace to give me the strength to resist temptation. And His grace is available to you, too. Praise His Name!


Whoa! That was long. Time for bed! I leave tomorrow for MN to help with 2 Bright Lights conference, and I won't be back until next Sunday night. Have a great week! ~Bekah